What is Betrayal Trauma? A Survivor’s Perspective
I am Alisha Ashley (Ellifrits), and this is my site, and my story that I will piece together slowly.
Betrayal trauma is not just heartbreak—it’s a full-body, mind-shattering experience that leaves lasting scars. I know this because I have lived it. When the person you trust most deceives you, manipulates your reality, and gaslights you into questioning your own sanity, the impact is profound. The betrayal is not just about infidelity; it’s about the abuse of trust, the rewriting of your shared history, and the psychological warfare that keeps you trapped in a cycle of doubt and pain. Most that read this, do not have a story where someone “cheated once” – this type of action, is a deep rooted character problem.
Living with Chronic PTSD After Betrayal Trauma
Betrayal trauma doesn’t just disappear when the relationship ends or when the truth finally comes out. It stays in the body, in the nervous system, in the way you flinch at unexpected sounds or struggle to sleep through the night. I developed chronic PTSD, a condition that has shaped my life in ways I never could have imagined. I am in healthcare- but even with years of education and practice- primary care in itself does not have a good grasp on it. It is not depression. It is not anxiety. It is neurological damage that literally changes the way your entire functioning brain and body works.
- Hypervigilance – Always scanning the environment for signs of danger, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
- Dissociation – Numbness, feeling disconnected from reality, as if I’m watching my life happen from a distance.
- Flashbacks and Triggers – The sound of a text notification, a certain cologne, even hearing someone else’s story can send me spiraling.
- Panic Attacks – Moments where my body remembers before my mind does, gripping me in waves of terror I can’t control.
- Suicidal Ideation – The crushing weight of betrayal and isolation can lead to thoughts of escape, of ending the pain when there seems to be no way out.
It’s exhausting. It’s relentless. And the worst part? Society doesn’t always see betrayal as real trauma- or real abuse.
I hate the word infidelity. It makes it seem so normal. I am married to a sex and porn addict. It isn’t about sex; it’s about deception, coercion, and psychological abuse. It is about deep issues that allow someone to not care at all about anyone. He will be the first to admit that women are to be used. Entitled to harm, with no long term consequences that even come close to what he has done to many many people. But now- he has involved my children.
The Loss of Consent & The Risk to Pregnancy
When deception enters a relationship, consent is revoked. I thought I was in a monogamous relationship, making choices about my body and my health under the assumption that I was safe. But I wasn’t.
- Exposure to STIs – My partner’s hidden actions put my body at risk without my knowledge.
- Pregnancy Risks – The stress, the sleepless nights, the gut-wrenching anxiety—it all took a toll on my body. Research confirms what I already knew deep in my bones: maternal stress and trauma impact pregnancy outcomes【21†source】.
- Lack of Bodily Autonomy – I was unknowingly in a sexual relationship where I had no true choice.
I carried the weight of my partner’s deceit, the endless gaslighting, and the unbearable loneliness, all while trying to nurture a life inside me. But my body couldn’t hold both. The betrayal stole not just my trust, my sense of self, and my peace—it stole my babies.
My little boys were born mid-term, sleeping. I bled out and almost died multiple times. This was directly caused by the abuse. And even after losing them, even after nearly dying myself, it still didn’t stop. He was buying sex while sitting in the hospital bed in my room, while I tried to save the second baby.
The Never-Ending Financial Abuse & Custody Battle
The psychological toll of betrayal is more than emotional—it is financially crippling and an ongoing form of abuse. I found thousands of dollars I unknowingly paid for (like 85,000 or more), funding my partner’s grooming of young women, payments to sex workers, and calls to phone sex and dating lines. He used our money for sex toys while we were simultaneously spending thousands on his fake ‘recovery.’ The ability to function at work, to maintain stability, is shattered when trauma overtakes every waking moment. He paid women for sex and let me go without lunch 7 months pregnanct, working in a covid tent (am I painting a real picture here?)
- Lost Wages & Career Instability – The emotional and cognitive overload of trauma can make it impossible to perform at work, leading to job loss, demotions, or forced career changes.
- Medical Expenses – Therapy, medical bills from stress-related illnesses, and the costs of legal battles add up.
- Housing Insecurity – Many survivors find themselves financially dependent on their abuser, making escape even more difficult.
Now, months into a brutal custody battle, the abuse continues, except now it’s sanctioned by the court system. He does the same things he always has—lying, manipulating, twisting the truth—
but this time, it is promoted by his attorney, his friends, and his family, who refuse to acknowledge factual proof.
They directly contribute to him getting worse every year. They are a second layer of horrible pain for the faithful spouse. He admits to almost all of the child safety concerns, yet here I am, wasting more money just to make him honor anything, just to keep what I built.
The Isolation, Societal Collusion & The Betrayal of Support
We just sink into the darkness while the person killing us gets support, excuses, and a “progress is perfection” pat on the back. The word “addict” is weaponized to garner sympathy, while the victim is blamed for being angry, hurt, or unwilling to “help” their abuser recover.
- Lack of Reality – Betrayal trauma creates a world where the truth is buried, manipulated, or rewritten. We often have no real way to uncover the full extent of the deception.
- Community Betrayal – Friends, family, and even therapists rush to protect the abuser, urging the survivor to “forgive” or “move on” without ever fully acknowledging the depth of the harm.
- Gaslighting by Professionals – Many therapists use addiction models that center the abuser’s recovery while dismissing the survivor’s trauma. The focus is placed on helping the betrayer “heal,” leaving the victim to carry the weight of their own devastation alone. Victims are labelled a “codependent” “coaddict” “mood disorder”- abused- they are just abused.
Finding a Path Forward
Healing is not linear. I am unable to make much progress right now because he is allowed to continue the harm. I very much worry I will never heal while he keeps me inside his world of delusion. I cope better now though. I am not as afraid in my own home. I can look at my own laptop, and only feel a little panic response.
- Betrayal is abuse. It is not just about broken vows—it is systemic, deliberate harm. It is intentional. It is cruel.
- I did not cause this. No amount of love, patience, or “understanding” could have changed him. He did this while dating, newlyweds, while trying for babies. This is not about sex. He is afraid of sex with someone he knows. He is wired ti use, lie a little and discard. He has also solidified that neuropath- highly doubt after 25 plus years of this, he will every be “sober” long enough to change that.
- My grief is real. Whether it’s for my lost pregnancy, my lost marriage, or my lost sense of self—I am allowed to grieve. This has been defining for me. I could not escape it or beat it. I fight things- and I put up a good fight. But sex addicts rarely feel empathy or compassion- so it is a losing battle.
- I deserve safety. Physically, emotionally, psychologically. I do not accept that my path is to lose almost everything I have worked for in my life to a man that should be in prison. So I do not plan to stop fighting for the safety and respect of women married to porn/sex addicts.
A Message to Other Survivors
If you are reading this, know that you are not alone. The world may not fully understand what this does to a person, but I do. If you’ve lost your sense of security, your mental health, your pregnancy—I see you. What he has done to you- is horrific. Your trauma is valid. And though the road ahead is long, you are worth fighting for. The only way to the other side is thru-
Keep going.
Be Brave
AKA
Please comment and share!